When you live in Berlin...

The last, crumbling signs of autumn lie dulling on the ground and winter is slowly reaching out its frosty hand, frost being the operative word there. I know I don't usually start with the weather (or do I? Eh, don't really care to remember), but when you're in Europe, you can't not talk about the weather, you simply can't.

See? How can you not talk about it?

More things that happen when you live my life:

• Your language becomes a royally awkward hodgepodge of English and German that makes you fumble and falter no matter what language you're trying to speak.
• You realize for the first time in your life how cold some things really are - keys, door handles, coins, zips, for example- especially when you have to heave your hands out of the warmth of your pockets.
• To your mild surprise, life still has many, many firsts to offer that make you want to act like a child (blow smoke/mist in the air, pick up leaves frosted overnight and stare fascinatedly at everything wintery).
• You listen to old hindi songs on your mp3 player in the train and cherish the secret joy it brings you, surrounded by people who don't know the language and may never understand the beauty of Kishore Kumar or R.D. Burman.
• You click pictures every time you see something novel. Which is all. the. time. Oh yes.
• You begin to want hot chocolate everyday and feel bad about it.You discover that the sugar-less Cappuccino from the vending machine at your uni is surprisingly good.
• You discover the pure, unadulterated joy of cooking Indian food in a foreign land. Of bonding with your mother and grandmother who taught you to cook, and feeling their presence next to you, guiding you when you're cooking something even though they're continents and oceans away.
• You cry a little when you have to write a report on the German political situation that you know squat about. You also snivel at German literary texts that you are supposed to read up on and understand. You wonder at how it is possible to understand every single word in a sentence and still not follow what it being said. You nod obediently at people, even when their German is too fast/thickly accented. You wonder or cry about it later (as the case may be, especially if the German in question is spoken by a teacher giving important instructions for the next class). Basically, you cry a lot. And by 'cry' I obviously don't mean sob. I mean your eyes well up a bit/you want to tear something or scream just a little.
• To put it simply, there are several moments of deep self doubt.
• ...but then there are days you're proud of yourself because you just did one more thing today you never thought you could have :)
• You learn to budget a little better. A little tighter. It makes you feel a little grown up. And then you buy Aloe Vera gel for 7.40 Euro and save like a squirrel the rest of the week.
• You finally stop saying 'Rupees' at the end of every sum and switch to Euro.
• You learn about some huge cultural differences between India and Europe. You can't wrap your head around them.
• ...and some things, like smiling at strangers, you love and adopt as your very own.
• You learn that moving away to a new country means finding new brands of personal products. Which can be a pain.
• You think you're going to miss your train everyday and run... then you bake in your 50 layers of almost-winter clothing.
• You wonder how bad and gloomy January will really be, especially with everyone painting such a bleak, depressing picture.
• ...but you secretly wait for the first snowfall of your life (and hope you can cope with the cold).
• You do a happy mental dance when you give tourists directions to a place in Berlin.
• You feel somehow browner, just a tiny bit. It makes you respect your heritage :)
• You get frustrated at your hair's lack of effort to be presentable in Berlin and its animosity towards the water here. But then, after a couple of weeks, the bounce comes back and you look normal again. 
  
• There are some moments that jerk you away from Berlin, from Germany, from Europe and hurl you back to India - to a sight (beige, smooth, sparkling beach sand) or a sound (hundreds of honking cars) or a taste (pani-puri, Goan bhaji, batatwada, hot, soft chappatis) or a person (family). It leaves you bewildered, exasperated and yearning in an incomplete, torn sort of way.
• You try eating a lot of new things and decide you like most of them (except for duck that one time. And 'tropical fruit tea').
• Incense sticks never smelt holier.
• Life was never this stimulating.

More later. Probably. How has everyone been?

Love,

The Cyniqueen

Something More

Things happening/being mulled over presently:

• Autumn  - bites you in the face and produces awesome mist type thing in the air when you exhale/talk. Not to mention how beautiful the bright yellow, fiery red leaves on trees and rustling, whispering heaps of dried leaves on the ground (like in the picture above). I can almost hear my skin cracking gently against the cold. Also, I keep hearing the term 'golden autumn' (goldener Herbst) everywhere. 
• The end of waiting. Almost - My course starts very soon. I'm excited, but have mild concerns about starting out a Master's course in a field I've never studied before and in a foreign country. Oh yeah, and in German. Mild concerns *pulls out hair and runs amok*
• My only friend/confidante/support here moving away for a while. It's going to feel like the first day of kindergarten. Like the time you're cooking something and you realize you're out of salt. Like when you're only pair of shoes breaks when you're travelling, y'know what I mean?
• Upside of aforementioned course - fewer students in each class, which means a higher chance of being able to make friends. Past experience sits on its throne of smugness and scoffs at my optimism at hoping to make some reliable friends (and not the kind to flake out on you in times of need, as has unfortunately come to pass several times before), but I'm planning on dethroning it and being the one who scoffs. With my new friends, hopefully.
• I am soon going to be in possession of some very coveted substances - Indian cooking ingredients! As much as I have come to love Schnitzel and Quark (curious? Go Google), I can't wait to make some decent Goan Sol Kadi and attempt (hopefully successfully) to make chappatis and Pav bhaji and things like that. Yum!

Task for the day - Go listen to Take That's latest song if you haven't already.

An icy, misty, autumny flying kiss to all,

The Cyniqueen

Of this and that

A representation of me scaling new heights (with an ever so slightly more...um...voluptuous body. And not Caucasian).

News: I cleared the TestDaF exam (remember that dreaded German exam I went to Delhi for? Which prompted this slightly hysterical post?)...with a full score! It was a moment of such pure bliss (and also some jumping all over my room).

Also, I'm done with my internship, which I will miss.

And, here's the cherry on the cake (ish) - concrete Germany plans are happening again! I can't tell you much at this point (because I don't know myself), but I will soon. Know and tell.

What else? Goan rains, driving the car, German, documents, acne (again), a new book called Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, a lot of mangoes (not so much since the monsoons started, but before that, two a day. Hey, calories schmalories, okay? I figure I'm going to be missing a lot of Indian Summers from now on).

And now, I must go.

Love and health and happiness and luck,

The Cyniqueen

P.S - Image via Google Image Search
P.P.S. - Here's one of my favourite songs, for which you can find the lyrics here. Enjoy :)

Plip-plop

There's no water in the house
And in my mind, a tap's leaking

Does that make sense? Guess not. But there really isn't any running water in the house since morning. Urgh. So disgusting I feel in this sticky heat. But we had fish curry rice again for lunch today and then we had alsaandyachi bhaji yesterday and today (which is sort of like Rajma, but you only get  it in Goa) and life was merry again.

My internship's going pretty well and I've got a couple of bylines in the paper too. And also, I have the best morning commute in the world. The road from Margao to where I need to go is lined with coconut trees and fields and green and ponds and rivers and glimpses of the ocean. Whenever I get the window seat, I get no reading done whatsoever (except on Saturday, when I was so exhausted while coming back from work that I feel asleep with my face against the window, doing that involuntary, terribly undignified head bobbing, falling asleep thing I used to laugh at fellow-commuters for).

I miss my sister, who is still in Pune, very, very much. I wish she was here too. It's nice to be home, have my folks around, have the comforts of air conditioning and a soft bed. A little annoying what with the no water and all, but still. I get to be home home. In my birth and growing-up place ^_^

And and and I have a lot of work still, but I can't get my mind to be still. It's not horrible like the pre-German-test tension and restlessness that was pouring out of my ears, but simply the tired kind. I have to peel myself off the couch after I get back from work and I'm done with dinner. And then work again. But we must what we must, no? I gently placed my Berlin magnet above a photo frame in my room because there's no magnety surface it'll stick to. I need to keep reminding myself of the bigger (and ahem, thinner) picture. Next stop, fitness.

Until later.

The Cyniqueen

 

Breathe

Ahwoohoo! The dreaded exam is finally over and done with. For now, anyway. Results are out at the end of the month. Until then, I wait, hope and work. And fear. Life throws a lot of things at you. And some are wonderful, but scary. But a good kind of scary, you know?


I don't have much else to report except for the sticky heat of Goa and the strangely disorienting comfort of home. Also, beautiful, warm, summery rays of sunlight slant into my room in the evening, little glittering golden beams. I can't help but love the orange glow it brings to my room. Peace visits my bedroom every evening, no exceptions. Isn't Nature wonderful?

The above paragraph was written weeks ago, after I was in Goa following my big German exam. Since then, I've made a short (hectic) trip to Pune, where I proceeded to attempt the frightful task of moving almost 4 years worth of stuff back to Goa along with managing university work like transcripts and recommendation letters. My room in Goa is now covered with suitcases and clothes upon clothes, as if I'm a guest in my own home. But but but, the main reason I came back here is for an internship I'm doing in Panjim, which I'm quite pleased about. Life lessons (such as the iron-smelling, sweat-mingling, elbow-punching, change-counting joys of learning to travel by the local transport) are happening. 


I miss you and you and you. I shall post again soon, I hope.


Love and sunshine,


The Cyniqueen


Pssst....reading this very interesting book called Eat That Frog by Brian Tracey about time management, which I don't normally do (both reading about time management and sadly, time management itself). Point is, try to give it a read if you can. Thanks to G for the tip (read: almost devotion-like praise of the book following by continual prodding to go read it). :D

I am completely calm and controlled....(not)

On Tuesday - The mother of all German exams.

Surreally sensitive to the heat (evidently) - my skin

Overcast - Pune at the moment

I am not going to freak out, I am not going to freak out, I am not going to freak out. The exam is in Delhi, where I must go. Which is what makes everything...grander. And puts more pressure on me. Oooh, though. May be will get to do some shopping. Not that I particularly love to shop, but still. It's Delhi.

I have to go describe graphs in German now. Any luck or prayers you send my way will be most humbly accepted and most greedily ingested (by mind, naturally, not body). 

Yours nervously,

The Cyniqueen.

Here without you

Symbolic representation of my mind. [via Google Image Search]

Dear Blogger, 

I miss you.

Dear fellow bloggers whose blogs I read and love and comment on,

I miss you too (but guilty pleasures have a way of getting fulfilled).

Dear TestDaF exam which takes place on 12th April,

I want to crack you, but you're somewhat intimidating. You are the reason for my rear being stuck to this chair for hours on the end. You are the last German-related hurdle and you, my last exam (Hopefully in the first attempt).

Dear aimless internet-surfing,

You are the only thing that makes me feel entertained and useless at the same time(after 2 hours of mindless surfing and Wiki reading). But I miss you. The Massive Surfing of  31.03.2011 (as it shall be known from now on) about World war II after watching bits of Der Untergang (again) shall be our little secret.

Dear link-hopping on German university websites which I need to do till I finish my applications,

I haven't taken warmly to you (since you made me stop my much loved mindless surfing) and it is quite unlikely that I will ever miss you. Quite.

Note: These University websites have me caught in a web of links so tight and intricate, I can't breathe. Did you know you could get lost on the internet and roam in circles and get very scared you'll never be able to find your way back to your homepage again? I feel like that when I go through these links. So to reiterate, I will not be missing this particular activity.

Dear afternoon naps,

No, you aren't good for me, but we both know how much you mean to me. And now that I must study every chance I get (as relaxing as that is), I have to let you go. For a while, anyway. But we shall meet again, okay? Soon.

Dear Goan-raw-mango-concoction-which-we-made-in-pune-which-sits-on-the-dining-table-as-we-speak-and-which-makes-me-drool-just-thinking-about-it,

*drools*

Dear social life,

I mourn your death every moment of everyday. I will meet you in your new, reincarnated life in Germany, I will.

Dear English books, Vogue and Cosmo,

Hang in there. I'm getting to you very soon. Also, I miss you.

Dear Goa, dear home, dear air conditioner, dear fish, dear Tata Sky, dear backyard, dear peace,

Simply put, take me in your arms and let me live with you forever*.

*Conditions Apply

Dear Juno, my lovely guitar,

You are my weak-spot, but I haven't played you all year. All year! I'm so sorry, my precious, and I miss you.

Dear empty-wall-in-my-study-room,

It's weird not having you around. Instead, the wall is now a disorderly wall-of-post-its bearing Redemittel, Synonyme and other study stuff in general.

Dear Solitaire on my laptop, my sole sweet source of pleasure,

Don't ever leave me okay? You're all I have. You and my colourful stationary. And the new Rubik's cube, which is more fun to scramble expertly than try to solve uselessly .

Dear feeling of Nothing-On-My-Mind, 

I barely remember you. Your brethren Falling-Asleep-Quickly-And-Thoughtlessly and Mr.Switch-Off (as in switch off all your worries and be carefree, also called my Goan state of mind) have become vague memories too. Come back soon, won't you? Missing doesn't begin to cover what I feel for you.

Dear Germany, dear Berlin, dear people who made Germany magical for me,

Guess who I miss most?

Yours sincerely,

The Cyniqueen.

Very very arbitrary...

What I wrote two days ago:

Listening to Wir Sind Helden, having written my last article for the day (I think I forgot to tell you guys that I'm doing a part time working from home thing for a website, writing articles - for work experience).

I simply want to stretch, be in bed, not too cold, not too warm and feel safe.

But today I feel unsafe and disillusioned - look at the terrible things happening in Japan. Just reminds you that there's a force greater than all of us in the world. Not the richest, nor the kindest, nor the most sensitive, nor the most powerful could have stopped this from happening.

Sorry for the sadness and the vagueness that sometimes arises in my posts of late. Turns out, you can't tune it out simply when you want to. Anyway, here's some clarity - my sister and me are going to Goa next weekend, a break that I desperately crave. I miss my family, my friends, and hello, fish. 

Besides that, I'm trying to prepare for this very important German exam that I must answer in a month. No, I am not freaking out just yet. It'll be fine. I have a plan. And if it works out, then I will be crazily ecstatic and loud and you will want to hit me with a pillow. But I'll take that with a smile too.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a dream to chase. And no better way to chase it down than with some ginger-mint tea I made earlier. Wish me luck (not just for the dream, I mean. The tea looks dubious).

Love and prayers,

The Cyniqueen

P.S - Strange how you can juxtapose the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad altogether. Such is life, eh? Peace.

Dear Miscellaneous,

To my last level of German, C1: Thank you for everything. I will love you forevermore, especially because I unexpectedly topped the class with a 'sehr gut'. You gave me knowledge and wisdom (I had an exam related epiphany which told me that the ranks don't matter and that exams do not reflect our real capacity. And I stuck to this notion, for the most part). While I bid you goodbye, I can see my next German challenge in the horizon, an international exam in April that must be aced if I want to get into a good German university. That bridge draws closer and I'm going to cross the hell out of it.

To my internship at a newspaper, which will start soon: I am grateful for you, but please go easy on me, especially when it comes to running all over the city in this ever growing heat to cover events and stories. But I love you :)

And now, to the dumbshits playing drums cacophonously loudly outside my house (in light of India's good performance in the cricket match until now):  While I appreciate that you are using your lack of productivity and your drums, might I advise you to do so after the match has been won and not half way through. FYI, the national cricket team? They can't hear you in Bangalore where the match is being played. Which is in another city (in case your drumming and dancing kept you too busy to know this fact). Also, I can see you from my window and there are...let's see...precisely 5 other urchins with you, dancing and whistling and laughing like they just got hit on the head and lost their ability to think intelligently. So, not a very large number of crazed, whistling supporters, is it? Now, why don't you walk away slowly from the silly drum, stop dancing, and be very silent and think about all this? Especially in light of the article deadline that looms (and dances, much like yourselves) before my exasperated eyes?

Yours sincerely,

The Cyniqueen.

Oh me oh my...

From the Barista window at MG Road, Pune. I know it's not the best photo, but there's something about its imperfection I like.

I so wanted to write one last post for 2010, but I was blissfully busy with a buzz only December can bring (and I don't mean the alcoholic kind). It was mostly spending time with everyone I love and bumming at Sernabatim and Benaulim and relaxing at home.

And look - it's already almost the end of Jan...where did it disappear, I ask you? The answer pleases and perplexes me all at the same time. German class has begun again, probably the last of the courses. I'm writing to German universities, reading course descriptions, looking for internships and freelance work all at the same time - I mean, it's not the most ambitious of schedules, but believe me, it will get there. I don't have a new year's resolution as such, but I do see myself working hard this year and I think it will be a relatively fruitful one. It better.

Nice things about the year so far:

• The cool weather (which, for a brief period of two weeks, was so cold that I actually got to wear my H & M Jacket that I bought in Berlin!). It has started getting warmer though, and absolutely torturous visions of a relentless summer swim before my eyes - for instance, last year, my sister and I tried littering the floor with ice cubes in a vain attempt to make the room cooler. *shudders* (though not because of the cold. Heh).
• Mom staying here for a few days.
• Chino, the cat, who prances around the place I stay and lets you pick him up and is nice and well fed.

Not so nice things:

• Acne, with its supernatural ability to rise above all medical treatment, stays stubbornly anchored to my face. I tell myself my time will come, when I can look in the mirror and not flinch. But when, dammit, when?
• Punctures in the back tyre of my bike and something about ball bearings in rear tyre, which is going to cost me a little more than I'd like. Remember when the ballcock was broken? Strange coincidence, no?
• Missing gym because of clashing timings with my class. Must work this out.

Oh, and I've missed blogging so very much.

Bis später, you guys. Mmmuah!

The Cyniqueen

Birthdays and awesomeness

Hi and Hallöchen!

Ist er nicht unglaublich süß? / Is he not unbelievably cute?

This, my lovelies, is what my friend Kivi gifted me on my birthday. I want to hug him all the time. Now I'm not really the stuffed-toy kind of girl, but look how cute! I've never owned such a big one. Oh wait, how rude of me. Readers, this is Clouseau. You see, I thought his name should end with an /əʊ/ (or 'oh') sound, and my friend suggested Clouseau, which is a mouthful, but I think it should stay. And may be another nickname for when I'm feeling especially affectionate.

And those of you who spotted that bottle of perfume in his lap - that is Hugo XX - and it makes me want to lie in a meadow with flower petals falling on me and dappled sunlight all around. It was a gift from my lovely sister.

And because I am the mother of telling things in a nutshell (Heh, quite the contrary actually, but anyway) here is what I did on my birthday. And also because I am the mother hen of all things listed, here it is in bullet form:

• Biryani at Blue Nile with my sister and Kivi. Which was so deliciously yum. And this Ice vanilla shake thing. Which I never have for fear of how dazzlingly indulgent it looks. And it was. Mmmm.
• A very soothing nap at my grandmother's house. Which some people might think was a waste of time, but there's something about sleeping in that house which makes you feel all refreshed and happy.
• Sabudana vada, which no one can make better than my grandmother. And no, I cannot possibly explain to you what that is, but may be this recipe can and this picture.
• Oh, I forgot to say - lots of shopping at Fabindia - I love my new Kurtas and Kurtis. 
• Dinner at home with Unmesh and Anand and my sister, playing Taboo and talking. Unmesh had to leave early (Grrr) but we had fun anyway. And oh, he totally missed dessert, which by the way, Unmesh? Was awesome.

All in all, I had expected nothing and so everything nice was a bonus in itself. If you dread birthdays like I do, believe me, this is the way to go.

And if you were having a bad day, this will cheer you up. So the landlord's thirty-something son calls out to me and says, "Hey, the ballcock is broken, the ballcock is broken."

*moment of respectful silence for me because I didn't burst out laughing in his face like an effing Hyena*

I go like "Umm........*trying hard to block a million eye-blazing visions away*...what?"
 
Him: Yeah, so the ballcock? Doesn't work...blahblahblah

So a ballcock, which looks something like this *moment of raucous, shameless, indulgent laughter*, has something to do with water tanks. But that's not important part, is it? No, it is not. I'm still giggling a little.

Cause of extreme happiness and a lot of smiling when I switch on the laptop every morning - more blogging activity. Thanks to Kim K, a whole new world of (German) blogging has opened itself up to me.

I have to get going now. But I heart you all very much :)

The Cyniqueen

Wouldn't it be Loverly?

Inspired from Kanika's lovely blog, from this post right here, I'm formulating an 'I Want' list too. (Partly also because I'm convalescing from a two day illness and feel the need to contribute to the world. You know, creatively).

1. I want the locality I live in (in Pune) to be a little less noisy. No, a LOT less noisy.
2. I want to be in Germany. Despite the biting cold, because I looooove (Germany, not the cold).
3. I want to be fitter. Okay, leaner. Umm...healthy. Oh f*&^ it. I want to be toned and  thin (the right kind. You know what I mean) and flexible like Samara Currimbhoy from NDTV Good Times. Have you seen the woman stretch?
4. I want to understand a little sliver of fashion (trying to be realistic here).
5. Before I live anywhere out of India I want to be able to (a)Pleat a sari (b)make a 'typical' Indian meal (c)do some yoga
6.  I want Goa. Forever. Almost.
7. I want a faster internet connection
8. I want an ektara.
9. I want to speak perfect German. And eventually learn Portuguese, French, Dutch, Italian, Bengali, Gujarati (Hmm...not being realistic at all but while I'm making the world listen to me, I might as well, eh?)
10.  I want a clear face. Pretty please.
11. DSLR. DSLRDSLRDSLRDSLRDSLRDSLRDSLRDSLR. World, I cannot emphasize this enough. And just in case you forgot, DSLR. Okay?

Oh, and you must see this (from 00:50 if you want to jump right to the main bit. But you shouldn't). I abso-bloomin'-lutely adore the way it's sung:

 

It's rather dull in town, I think I'll take me to Paree.
Mmmmmm.
The mistress wants to open up
The castle in Capri.
Me doctor recommends a quiet summer by the sea!
Mmmm, Mmmm, wouldn't it be loverly?
  

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
 

Lots of choc'lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
 

Aow, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.
I would never budge 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
 

Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee,
Warm an' tender as 'e can be. 'ho takes good care of me,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly 

 (more about the song)

Yours yearningly,

The  Cyniqueen

Ruminating...

I hate being all sombre and morose and vague in this blog, I do. But every day I just keep realizing that there are people in the world doing so much more, and tapping into whatever potential they have. Like him and her and her and Brad (who prefers to be called Adam, apparently, so that's what I shall call him henceforth) and CC, with his Love Sex Dance Magazine, (an online fashion magazine which you really should check out, especially the current issue)...I realize I spoke about people who are not in India, which is just a coincidence. The point is (as I see it), either they're doing what they love or working towards it; and logically speaking, that's how it should be for all of us. It shouldn't have to be an extraordinary thing, but it is. I admire people like this so much. And the weird thing is - nothing's stopping me but the shadows of my own mind.

I am happy for some things in my life though. Like for instance I took the more sensible (and harder) decision of staying on in Pune (instead of Goa, which hello, is fabulous) whether I get through the German course for this session or not. I'm happy that I'm doing something more to stay healthy. And today, I joined Guitar class, which I have wanted to do for so very long. You see, technically I've been playing the guitar since late 2006. But I mostly learned it on my own, off the internet and with very little personal help. So while I can play some things, there's so much more that I need to learn and (eeep!) lots and lots of wrong playing techniques I need to change. I hope this goes excellently. This still counts for something as far as the whole tapping your potential thing goes, does it not? I hope so.

I have a total love-hate relationship with my birthday, which approaches swiftly. In my mind, it waits there ahead of me (now at a distance where I can see it) and rubs its hands together slyly, not divulging what it has in store for me. Birthdays are frigging unpredictable, am I right? Even if I remain occupied the whole day, there's always this little voice in my head that whispers alluringly, sinfully - it's your birthday, you're supposed to be having a superamazingcrazilyexcitinglymindblowinglyecstatic day. And even though until then I've been pleased with the day, it suddenly begins to seem not-good-enough. And yay! becomes eh. Also, having a normal, routine day on your birthday is somehow anticlimactic and depressing. 

I think it has everything to do with the fact that most birthdays when you were a kid actually did seem  superamazingcrazilyexcitinglymindblowinglyecstatic because of the presents and the attention. Sigh. I wish stuff meant just as much now. Although I must admit, if I could have bought a DSLR on my birthday, I would have been disturbingly elated. So anyway, I was talking to G about it who says it wouldn't bother him at all if his birthday were like any other day or even if he were alone. It's going to be hard, but this year I'm going to try not putting any pressure on the day and let it take its own course. 

And now, an attempt to brighten up and sweeten this post:

This was a sprite flavoured cake (baked using sprite instead of egg. How cool is that?) I baked during my CMYK (photography) course for the whole class and Saloni clicked this picture. The gems (which got displaced on the way from Margao to Mapusa) are supposed to spell click! and there's a smile there in the middle which drowned in the icing. But look - colour can spruce up anything :)

What do you do on your birthday?

The Cyniqueen.

Withdrawal symptoms...

Berlin, I miss you. I miss listening to German all around and feeling good about understanding a language I just learnt. I miss the plump pigeons. I miss wearing a coat and buttoning and unbuttoning it as you have to get inside. I miss the annoyance that it caused. I miss feeling excited about what new place I'd be seeing each day. I miss how scared I was to travel within the city on my own for the first time ever. I miss taking the U-Bahn. I miss walking into the Supermarkts and just looking, awe-eyed, at the sheer variety of everything. The sandwiches are missed, and the brötchen (a type of German bread which smells so fresh and tastes so good, you wouldn't want to ever have Indian sliced bread again). I miss googling about the weather forecast before stepping out. I miss missing India, ab und zu (translation: now and then). I miss seeing potential photos everywhere I looked. And I miss the people who made Europe, Europe for me. So G, it goes without saying, that doing mundane things together like walking around the city with you is missed. Sorely.

The tangible remains of Berlin- a few tickets (and a monthly pass that enables you to use all the public transport of the city. Isn't that super?), some spare change, books, Sandtiere (which I described to you that one time); and my much loved (and adorably little) Milano cup.

I guess it doesn't look that small in this picture I clicked, but I swear, it's daintily petite. And look - next to it, my spare Euros and cents :)

With uncrossed fingers, I must somewhat dolefully tell you that I didn't get admission for the next level of German I wanted to do, because well, just too many people want to learn German, apparently. So yeah, that hasn't worked out like I'd planned. But in the spirit of positivity that is suddenly bursting inside me and has nothing to do with anything, I think things will turn out okay. Within the next year. One always has hope, right?

The Cyniqueen.

Music to my ears.

Does that happen to you when you make a lot of plans with a lot of people and none of them materialize? It's happening to me this week and adds heavily to my staying-at-home-lethargy and makes me wish I could go *click* (because let's face it, this is the virtual world) and have this completely together and very, very clear life.

You know those people who are all standing tall and know exactly what they want in life? I want to be them right now. Ooh, and because I often have songs/music playing in my head according to the situation like background music in a movie, I can't wait for the moment till the following songs play as the background music in my life (Hmm... Must find better, more meaningful things to mull over in head):

• A Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson
• I Can See Clearly Now by Johny Nash
• Perfect Day by Hoku - OST Legally Blonde (but admittedly, it does play in my life now and then)
• Several other songs, which I might add in later, but too lazy to think of right now. Do you have any?

...and, who am I kidding, most songs that play at the end of movies. I guess everyone just wants happy-ending moments in life. I know people say that happiness comes from within and that whether to be happy or not is a decision, but how does one just 'become' happy? I usually have a very Bridget Jones frame of mind going on, and I feel...clueless, to say the least. And please, this is so not about finding (or the problems with, as the case may be) love, or fulfilling a certain goal. I read this lovely post by Disguise a while ago and thought I want that. But whether that will ever happen, and whether, assuming it does happen, I would, at the end of the day not feel totally lost, remains to be seen.

This is a picture I clicked at Como (Italy) in a great big hurry (as I clicked most of my pictures) because G and CC kept walking on quickly. I don't blame them, of course. I guess the best way to get pictures the way you want them (angle, light, and so on) is to

(a)be alone, which *yawn* is not really fun...besides the obvious fact that it's not feasible when you're new to a place with limited time to spend. 

(b)go for a photo-walk, with other like-minded, trigger-crazy people. But who gets to choose the place? And also, it can look kind of strange to an outsider- a herd of camera-brandishing people all moving together and clicking things that seem to have no relevance whatsoever - also not a great option for when you're new to a place. AND, how to get people for a photo-walk when you're new to a place?

 Heh, waddya  know, I'm back to square one. But I should mention here that the CMYK phtowalks in Goa (from the photography class I did way back in May, about which you can read here) used to be so much of fun. Back to photography - I want a nice DSLR - I wantIwantIwantIwant. I'd even stamp my feet and grovel on the floor - but we must be responsible mature adults. Huh. The problem, as I have explained before, is simple - it all comes down to money. But do you think, may be, just may be, it will appear as though out of nowhere, on my approaching, impending birthday and we will have a happily ever after with lots of shutter-speeding, tele-lensing, manual-focusing fun? If only. On the other hand, if I was given a DSLR that was my very own, I would almost certainly die an early death from clicking too many photos. Hell, I even do that with digital cameras and mobile cameras. This one time, in one particular bout of what I believed at the time was a moment of photographic epiphany, I clicked several pictures of my hand. And I wasn't drunk or on medication. So you see. May be it's a good thing I don't have a DSLR.

Did I mention I was reading 'P.S - I Love You'? Oh, and did I mention I was reading it in German? Yeah baby. I'm very cool like that (is what I thought when I started off. Then I realized there are several words I don't understand and that brought me back to reality. But I do get the gist of most things and have almost reached the end now. So, yay!)

I have all intentions of an early start to my day for tomorrow, so I must away. Don't stay up too late y'all. And yes, drink lots of water. And why yes, I have reached my writing saturation-point, how did you know?

Yours slightly-deliriously,

The Cyniqueen

Snap back to reality (end of lovely and very stereotypical Italian accordian music that had been playing in my head everytime saw my last post about Italy. Sigh and sigh).

Some more random things about Berlin (the fag end)

• Beggars there are better dressed than in India. But the weird thing is that they always, but always, have a dog with them. A really cute one. On a leash that too. It's the most bizarre thing, but I swear I never saw a Berliner Beggar who didn't have a dog (Hmm...that sounds like a song from a musical)
• The market at Hackescher Markt every Thursday. I could go on and on about my very favourite place in all of Berlin, and I get dreamy eyed just thinking about it - Okay, truth be told, it's just a regular market with different stalls - but I dunno, something about it just stuck, and I kept going back during my time there - for different varieties of olives from the Italian stall (or was it Greek?), for second hand but almost mint condition German books at as low as 25 Cents a book, for bittery, soothingly steaming, sweet, floats-right-up-to-your-head type hot chocolate, for Sandtiere (cloth animals stuffed with sand - I bought a green snake and a lizard for 9 Euros -the cute kind, with buttons for eyes) which I bought at a stall that sold, among other things, Indian agarbattis and cloth posters of Indian Gods and Goddesses. If there was one single place I'd pick to go back to, Hakescher Markt would be it for sure.
• And ganz in der nähe von (translation: very close to) Hakescher Markt, is this place called Oranienburger Straße, which houses the Tacheles Gallery, which is this awe-inspiring, intimidating, outlandish and honestly, a slightly smelly building where artists live and they have pubs and exhibitions and paintings for sale. Another thing Oranienburger Straße is known for besides Tacheles and its lively night life is ahem, the street prostitutes (street prostitution is legal in Berlin, by the way). One question - How were they not cold in their short-shorts?

After Friedberg, Berlin, Holland, Italy and Hanover, for the first time ever, landing in Goa was a bit of a letdown. The loyal Goan in me was appalled at the lack of tingling excitement that usually begins to tick inside me as I near Goa, but this new part of me, the person who went to Europe and fell right in love with it, wanted to keep on looking back to take it all in - all the way to the airport - kept wanting to delay the moment the plane tucked in its wheels inside and took off into the air, leaving German soil. In a nutshell - I miss it terribly. I returned to India and brought with me a desire to go back.


I was in Goa for about two weeks after I came back, which was a lot of family time spent visiting various cousins, playing with two very cute new members of the family - my niece and nephew - and it was all very fun. I was always scared of holding babies and mostly prefer to stay away from the giggling crowd of women who usually take to surrounding babies, cooing and cheek-pinching and kissing. I mean, of course babies are really cute, but I never understood the mad dash people have to like, cuddle and play with them. But after these two tots, babies suddenly seem less scary and less mysterious - Babies in general that is, not my own. Heh. That thought is still petrifying. Naturally.


I reached Pune two days ago, with a mixture of resignation and numbness - I've never loved the city (though I've been here for about three years) because let's face it, Pune is no Goa. And while I appreciate how much living here has taught me, I was still thrilled in May when I went back to Goa for an indefinite period of time, taking a break from the German courses. Somehow, in my mind, Pune life is real life, where I have to do all the work (buying groceries, taking care of bills, repairs, etc) as opposed to Goa, where there are other people who get the work done.
Anyway, the plan is that I do another level of German now (if I get admission - there's always a waiting list at the institute) so as to better my chances of going to Germany.

*Fingers crossed*


 
Yours hopefully,
The Cyniqueen

Yes! The Germany diaries - First Impressions...

• It is so, so spotlessly clean here. 
• It is daylight till 9:30 pm. So bizarre, so lovely.
• Everything is bigger than in India - people, dogs, the average beer bottle, bikes, pigeons.
• You need to check the weather forecast everyday. At first I never got what the fuss was all about, but when they say it's going to be overcast or rainy? That also means you're going to bruise your skin from the cold if you don't dress accordingly. Maybe I exaggerate - but I get cold even in Indian winter. I have surreally sensitive skin.
• Ooh, the sparrows too. FAT. 
• Eggs shells are brown! Not terribly startling, but had previously seen said egg variety only on television.
• And German television - It is so nice to have about 30 channels to watch in German, and not the one lone German channel as we get in India. Here, I feel like a ruler - changing channels at will to find German everywhere, not like in India, where you switch to Deutsche Welle and tuck the remote away meekly in a corner. It's like switching from Doordarshan to cable TV. Yes.
• You can lay down on the grass and simply take in nature, or just read or do your own thing at Potsdamer Platz in Berlin. And you don't have to worry about dog poo in the grass, or about perverts staring at you. Is a free world where everyone does their own thing (except dog owners, who must clean up after their canines. Haha).
• I know I spoke about cleanliness already, but a special mention must be made of the toilets everywhere. People actually care about keeping things clean, they actually know the importance of clean surroundings. It's so sad to see total ignorance about this in India.
• Ah. Oddly, as of now, I don't miss home at all. I am perfectly content without, for instance, domestic help (and God knows how frustrating that can be at times), and Goa comes to mind only with gentle triggers, like the sand at a work site reminded me of the beach, and the smell of Paprika powder is exactly how the main market at Margao smells like. I will miss Ganesh Chaturthi this year, for the first time ever, but I'm not going to think about that now. I'm simply going to take in whatever Germany has to offer. 
• Oh, wait - just because you've done some levels of German does not mean that you'll be spewing it out with Germans you meet. For one - They. Speak. Fast. Their accents are so perfect and clipped and lovely-sounding, and it's just a little intimidating. On my way from Hannover to Berlin, I got the wrong compartment and lost my seat because apparently you're supposed to occupy your reserved seat within 15 minutes of the train starting (I know!). I was stuck between two compartments, which was still all posh as is not third world country. There were a couple of other Germans with accents so thick and they were speaking so fast, could only snatch some nouns, with no way of knowing exactly what they were saying. Used to be nodding and smiling stupidly at whatever they were saying to realize that I was being asked a question. But was fine, really. And, they can barely speak any English, so ha.
• The thing that Germans are cold people? Total crap! All the Germans I have met until now have been so helpful (except a hefty lady with dark brown facial hair at the cash counter of a shop at the Frankfurt airport train station, who was a little rude when I asked her about my train. But then she helped me anyway - poor thing though, probably gets harassed by innocuous, broken German-speaking tourists all the time. Heh.)
• And met this guy Thomas at the station in Hannover, who really helped my nerves, and with whom I spoke a decent amount of German, and who was one of the only people whose German I actually understood clearly. And we're in touch now. Love that a contact was made in this random manner.
• They say that even if you speak a little German, the Germans will be friendly. And it makes total sense. You would be unable to communicate with someone who couldn't speak the same language, so obviously, how can you just be friendly without really even speaking to someone?
• Clearly, I'm in an all-forgiving, nurturing, happy place right now, away from chaos and absorbing in a new culture, new weather, new hope.... And no matter what I'm doing here, no matter how mundane, it is marvellous just to know that I'm doing it here, in Germany, a place I've wanted to come to for a while. The magic of new possibilities in the air is intoxicating. Come join me, won't you?

Bis bald,

The Cyniqueen.