Listalicious

My life has been the most pleasant ordeal of dealing with thesis stress over the last few months. 

In this time I have surpassed my own prior levels of low self esteem, constantly in war with the dark, evil part of me that thrives on negative, self-deprecating thoughts and the positive, beamy part of me that radiates goodness and encouragement and tries to sprinkle my self esteem with tiny, but colourful rainbows with pots of feel-goodness at the end (read: writing encouraging messages on post-its and sticking them on the wall against which the study table rests. The evil part is such a little prick that it picked out a capital L on one of the post-its and thought 'Haha. Loser. Just like you!' And just like that, it hurled some rainbows from the Happy me into a burning, stinking pile of negativity, fanning the putrid flames).

It's not quite as bad as I just described. I'm not crying or hugging my knees and rocking back and forth or something. I just got carried away with the liberation of writing in a language I can properly express myself in after so long. 

Anyway, it HAS been rather cumbersome, boring and challenging at times, but I don't have to work much longer and I have already started my list of things to do after I'm done.

Since dealing with the stress has been my main activity (besides, of course, working on the damn thing), I thought I would, being the benevolent person that I am, share with you my favoured methods of coping with the horror.

Coping mechanism #1:

Procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate oh shit I have to submit in a month. Oh well. Procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate procrastinate

How do I manage to achieve such colossal levels of procrastination, you ask? Why I'll tell you: tumblr tumblr pinterest facebook blogger pinterest blogger facebook tumblr

Coping mechanism #2: The Pretend Mechanism:

*Play reggae music as you work, pretend you're on the beach.
*Pretend the stand fan whirring behind you is the sound of the waves.
*Pretend the murky cup of coffee is a glass of pina colada.
*Pretend that the healthy snack next to you (because you turn into a feeding monster when you work, so you have to eat stuff like cucumbers and puffed rice) is a plate of something seafoody.
*Pretend that the linoleum floor is actually cool sand.
*Marvel at the new personal levels of escapism you have just achieved.
*Burst into angry Ihateeverything tears.

(I didn't actually burst into tears, just sighed at the new levels of patheticalness).

****

Sometimes, well more often than not, I'm just sitting still, frustrated because my mind has switched off and refuses to give me any material to write about. So...

Things I do when I'm creatively blocked:

Stare out the window.

Stare at the floor.

Stare at my freaky pimple upon a pimple in the mirror.

Stare at the mirror. Not my reflection in the mirror. Just the mirror.

Stare at my notes.

Type inane things and then backspace like wheeeeeeeee.

Drink coffee.

Drink jasmine tea.

Drink buttermilk.

With salt, with mint, with mint and sugar.

Pace restlessly.

Sweep the floor like a maniac.

Open the window.

Close the window.

Snack.

Fill ink in fountain pen.

Ask everyone I know how they're doing.

How's everyone doing?

The Cyniqueen

Being an Intern (The Flip Side)

If I hadn't finally, at 26, been a few months away from starting a career (that's right, 26 and starting a career. Not 'building upon' or 'improving' or 'progressing ahead on an already brilliantly successful path', but starting.), I would've called this blog 'The eternal Intern' - really, I would've.

I've done, let's just say, several internships. And lucky for you, I'm in a wisdom dispelling mood today. Now, I'm a sneaky little intern. I'm not going to tell you which thing I learnt or did or didn't do where. I'm not naming any places I worked (or might be working) at, on account of I don't want to discredit anyone and lose my own credibility with them. And respect and stuff. So. Here we go:

Things about being an intern that you should be aware of (the flip side):

Starting out at the very bottom
You will have to put your ego aside. And you will have to do this for many aspects of the job.In India, in a lot of places (especially government organisations) they have 'chaprasis' or 'peons': people whose job entails doing errands, making chai and serving it, carrying files and messages across and so on. This is not the case in Germany. Everyone does everything here. That's the official version.

So your position as an intern is very low. Imagine a deep, mouldy well with smelly fungus at the bottom and rainbow cakes on top. You live in the slimy fungus. Now, in some companies, a few rainbow cake crumbs might be scattered your way (good quality work assignments, new things to learn, etc) and sometimes, they literally send across internship caviar - this is usually when they're short of a colleague and so you have to do the job. Except you do it for free.

Just to clarify, I have never done an internship where I wasn't respected and the people weren't really nice. I'm only talking about this in terms of the sort of work you're given. Or not given, as the case may be.

Show me the moneh (or don't)
How shall I put this: you're literally not even going to be paid a cent. I have never been paid for doing an internship (although I have earned money for articles I've written while doing the internship, yay!). And it sucks. And it really makes me think about the way interns are sometimes exploited, where doing the internship as a part of a course is obligatory and you're doing a full time, unpaid internship. How is it fair if you have to pause your student job in lieu of an unpaid one?

When you have an interview for an internship, it's tricky bringing up the topic of payment. I've gotten used to asking it as a sort of customary question which is always answered negatively. Don't be surprised if the question is met with muffled laughter - it hasn't happened to me, but there was this one time I asked the question, I was answered with a "sorry, we don't pay interns" and I swear I almost heard laughter and this subtext: "bwahahahaha. Oh, honey. NO."

I've just remembered, I did once get a gigantic packet of toilet paper rolls at an internship because they had ordered too many. I genuinely thought that was awesome of the boss. Does that count as some form of payment?

No one has high expectations of you
Which is horrid when you first thing about it, but it's great because (a)you're starting with a clean slate and (b)you can ask for and will receive honest feedback without feeling bad about it because the whole point is that you're there to learn. Which makes me think that people are probably more careful when they start out, they try to do their jobs better, you know? Like how you drive more carefully when you've just got your licence and five years later you're swerving like it's the bat mobile and not the pot hole filled roads of India?

Your time is the least important in the entire organization
Not having anything to do while you'e an intern is arguably the very worst bit. I detest it. I mean truly, completely abhor. If it was a tangible thing, this waiting, I'd go find one of those clubs they show in prehistoric age cartoons and batter it and beat the crap out of it till it was no more.
But this is something that my experience as an intern has taught me - your time is less important than the lone office fly every one is trying to swat. And less important than the people trying to swat it. Less important than the boss who calls you into their office via telephone (via telephone, this bit is crucial to what follows) to DIAL NUMBERS for long distance calls they're making. This actually happened to me.

It's bad. But you just have to learn to deal with it. And while you're dealing, find ways to kill time while still managing to look busy (basic tip: don't surf cat memes with mouth half open). Step one while doing useless internet surfing at work? MUTE THAT COMPUTER. In fact, you know what? The very first thing you do when you start an internship? Mute that computer! You don't want to leave the sound on and then accidentally click on the video of the dog that laughs like a hyena. Or a Harlem shake video - imagine that blasting in your office space.
My point is, you're going to spend a lot of time doing nothing. A LOT. A lot, a lot.


I'm not going to finish this off by tying a pretty little bow around the whole thing and saying that oh, it's not that bad. You still meet new people and learn how not to be. You start forming your own professional network. Because you do. Of course you do. But I'm not spelling it out.

Because the good stuff spoils you and let's you think life's alright. The bad stuff, however, turns you into a tough mofo and lets you know that being a grown up is not easy.
Not easy, but still, it's good fun. You get full freedom to decide when to clean up the cat poop in the living room. And, no one forces you to eat your greens.

The Cyniqueen

P.S: Seriously though. It's pretty okay. Don't be afraid.

A random list of miscellaneous things

Since I think I've sort of been bogging everyone down talking about the depressing winter that REFUSES to end, and also because it's been long since I've done one of these, I'm making a random list:

Via weheartit.com

• Snow and frosty cold in Berlin is a fuckillion times better than boiling heat in Pune or Goa.
• I'm getting a lot of great practical experience in my new internship.
• And it's in this lovely neighbourhood with just the right balance of diversity, coffee shops, cleanliness and quaintness. I've honestly never seen anything like it.
• I scrubbed the floor of my tiny apartment last weekend and it is now back to a respectable standard of cleanliness. Before that, it was so dirty (oh god I can't believe I am typing this even as I type it) that I was too disgusted to exercise on it, because I sometimes do Surya Namaskar, where it's imperative to have a clean floor *hangs head down in shame. And then sees now sparkling floors and feels less bad.*
• I don't posses the ability to pack light. Like if you took all my DNA, pried it apart or wrung it really hard to get every single essence of my traits (dormant and active), you would not find amidst the greasy juice, the trait of packing light. My bag which I carry to work (which is half an hour away from my place) hurts my shoulder because it weighs like 18 kilos. It seems that my prehistoric ancestor should not have survived on account of the giant dinosaur would have killed him if he insisted on carrying all his cave rocks and animal skin-skirts with him everywhere. But then again, I'm really good at raising each eyebrow in quick succession to a beat and it seems to me that evolution decided that the unibrowed Neanderthal should be allowed to pass on this miraculous talent to his progeny. (Okay, Neanderthals and dinosaurs didn't coexist, I'm aware. But two words: poetic license).
• I love wearing kurtis in Berlin. Besides the fact that kurti and jeans is the most comfortable daily wear on the planet, it makes me feel very exotic. I can never, ever wear a bindi on a kurta here, though. Just, no.
• For a while now, I have found this brand of ceylon-assam tea bags that taste like proper Indian chai. And then I found ginger tea bags, which is actually just ginger water. So I mixed both to make adrak chai (ginger tea). Didn't work.
•  Not being able to talk to my family regularly sucks. Internet problems make Skype impossible at times. I love whatsapp though.
• I had started reading Churchill's biography (because I like biographies) but last week, I officially and very guiltily abandoned it because it was too full of military, imperialistic jargon.
• Once, when I was extremely distracted by my own thoughts,I walked into a wall. This happened in class. Embarrassing as it was, thankfully, it happened in Germany. If it was in class in India, I would have tots had a white chuna mask on my face to add to the mortification.
• People sometimes leave garbage bags in the elevators in my building. I hope they crap their pants in public for every time they do this.

-The Cyniqueen

You're my bad habit

Why are 'bad' things always the most delicious ones?

Bad habits

• Naps that pull you in and sink you into perfect oblivion.
• Doodling in class (my latest penchant -- writing German names and words in the Devanagari script).
• Surfing rage comics on my smart phone.
• My smart phone.
• Eating that one last morsel of chicken curry even though I know I'm full.
• Hot chocolate (for when it's cold).
• Talking to myself.
• Not being able to decide Indecisiveness.
• Midnight "epiphanies" that you know are just a way to avoid studying.
• Venting your anger at the elevator button. (It's like you want to hit the STOP button on something else).
• Making too many lists.
• Letting the dishes pile on a little longer than necessary.
• Slipping into tawdry, remarkably shameless tardiness and running around like a tornado trying to restore the place to some basic accepted standard of cleanliness when you're expecting company.
• Not letting go easily enough.
• Thinking too much.
• Shopping too little.
• Chai.
• Stationery.

Life summary - The end of a hectic semester, the beginning of a promising internship, the reevaluation of goals and right this second, almost ground-shaking thunder. I never understood why those kids in The Sound of Music were so terrified by it. Doubt cleared.

Berlin has been hot and humid since a couple of days. Not particularly sunny, but a cloud of heat floating along everywhere you go, making your clothes stick to your skin, emanating hot waves of air from your scalp, making your face sweat and your skin burn. Feels that way, in any case.

On the other hand, I'm enjoying every second of Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children, which I'm currently reading. Next stop, The Little Prince, as soon as Amazon decides to actually send me my copy.

And here is a lovely new venture from a friend of mine who wants to bring an online reading community together. I really love the idea and the enthusiasm that people are already showing. Do take a look!

Thunder and suspense,

The Cyniqueen

Oops, I did it again

Hellew blogosphere!

Le bullet points:

• I just finished a spring internship 
• University just resumed 
• I have no time to breathe 
• Creativity is being throttled by aforementioned breathing difficulty 
• My face has surrendered to acne without the slightest struggle of a fight. Yet again.
• Last night K. and I video-recorded bits of a concert by an awesome band called The Legendary Lost Mojados. It was a part of university work and felt very hoity-toity, what with lugging the camera and tripod around and getting asked for our business card. Heh.

A bout of self-doubt seems to have left me creatively-paralysed as it were and all attempts to resuscitate my fading writing-abilities have been disappointing.

Until I figure out what the hell this phase this (and hopefully have some time to work on the idea for a new blog that has been fermenting in my mind) the posts might be scarce. Or there might too many for you to keep up with.

Flowers and spring love from Berlin,
The Cyniqueen

When you live in Berlin...

The last, crumbling signs of autumn lie dulling on the ground and winter is slowly reaching out its frosty hand, frost being the operative word there. I know I don't usually start with the weather (or do I? Eh, don't really care to remember), but when you're in Europe, you can't not talk about the weather, you simply can't.

See? How can you not talk about it?

More things that happen when you live my life:

• Your language becomes a royally awkward hodgepodge of English and German that makes you fumble and falter no matter what language you're trying to speak.
• You realize for the first time in your life how cold some things really are - keys, door handles, coins, zips, for example- especially when you have to heave your hands out of the warmth of your pockets.
• To your mild surprise, life still has many, many firsts to offer that make you want to act like a child (blow smoke/mist in the air, pick up leaves frosted overnight and stare fascinatedly at everything wintery).
• You listen to old hindi songs on your mp3 player in the train and cherish the secret joy it brings you, surrounded by people who don't know the language and may never understand the beauty of Kishore Kumar or R.D. Burman.
• You click pictures every time you see something novel. Which is all. the. time. Oh yes.
• You begin to want hot chocolate everyday and feel bad about it.You discover that the sugar-less Cappuccino from the vending machine at your uni is surprisingly good.
• You discover the pure, unadulterated joy of cooking Indian food in a foreign land. Of bonding with your mother and grandmother who taught you to cook, and feeling their presence next to you, guiding you when you're cooking something even though they're continents and oceans away.
• You cry a little when you have to write a report on the German political situation that you know squat about. You also snivel at German literary texts that you are supposed to read up on and understand. You wonder at how it is possible to understand every single word in a sentence and still not follow what it being said. You nod obediently at people, even when their German is too fast/thickly accented. You wonder or cry about it later (as the case may be, especially if the German in question is spoken by a teacher giving important instructions for the next class). Basically, you cry a lot. And by 'cry' I obviously don't mean sob. I mean your eyes well up a bit/you want to tear something or scream just a little.
• To put it simply, there are several moments of deep self doubt.
• ...but then there are days you're proud of yourself because you just did one more thing today you never thought you could have :)
• You learn to budget a little better. A little tighter. It makes you feel a little grown up. And then you buy Aloe Vera gel for 7.40 Euro and save like a squirrel the rest of the week.
• You finally stop saying 'Rupees' at the end of every sum and switch to Euro.
• You learn about some huge cultural differences between India and Europe. You can't wrap your head around them.
• ...and some things, like smiling at strangers, you love and adopt as your very own.
• You learn that moving away to a new country means finding new brands of personal products. Which can be a pain.
• You think you're going to miss your train everyday and run... then you bake in your 50 layers of almost-winter clothing.
• You wonder how bad and gloomy January will really be, especially with everyone painting such a bleak, depressing picture.
• ...but you secretly wait for the first snowfall of your life (and hope you can cope with the cold).
• You do a happy mental dance when you give tourists directions to a place in Berlin.
• You feel somehow browner, just a tiny bit. It makes you respect your heritage :)
• You get frustrated at your hair's lack of effort to be presentable in Berlin and its animosity towards the water here. But then, after a couple of weeks, the bounce comes back and you look normal again. 
  
• There are some moments that jerk you away from Berlin, from Germany, from Europe and hurl you back to India - to a sight (beige, smooth, sparkling beach sand) or a sound (hundreds of honking cars) or a taste (pani-puri, Goan bhaji, batatwada, hot, soft chappatis) or a person (family). It leaves you bewildered, exasperated and yearning in an incomplete, torn sort of way.
• You try eating a lot of new things and decide you like most of them (except for duck that one time. And 'tropical fruit tea').
• Incense sticks never smelt holier.
• Life was never this stimulating.

More later. Probably. How has everyone been?

Love,

The Cyniqueen

Something More

Things happening/being mulled over presently:

• Autumn  - bites you in the face and produces awesome mist type thing in the air when you exhale/talk. Not to mention how beautiful the bright yellow, fiery red leaves on trees and rustling, whispering heaps of dried leaves on the ground (like in the picture above). I can almost hear my skin cracking gently against the cold. Also, I keep hearing the term 'golden autumn' (goldener Herbst) everywhere. 
• The end of waiting. Almost - My course starts very soon. I'm excited, but have mild concerns about starting out a Master's course in a field I've never studied before and in a foreign country. Oh yeah, and in German. Mild concerns *pulls out hair and runs amok*
• My only friend/confidante/support here moving away for a while. It's going to feel like the first day of kindergarten. Like the time you're cooking something and you realize you're out of salt. Like when you're only pair of shoes breaks when you're travelling, y'know what I mean?
• Upside of aforementioned course - fewer students in each class, which means a higher chance of being able to make friends. Past experience sits on its throne of smugness and scoffs at my optimism at hoping to make some reliable friends (and not the kind to flake out on you in times of need, as has unfortunately come to pass several times before), but I'm planning on dethroning it and being the one who scoffs. With my new friends, hopefully.
• I am soon going to be in possession of some very coveted substances - Indian cooking ingredients! As much as I have come to love Schnitzel and Quark (curious? Go Google), I can't wait to make some decent Goan Sol Kadi and attempt (hopefully successfully) to make chappatis and Pav bhaji and things like that. Yum!

Task for the day - Go listen to Take That's latest song if you haven't already.

An icy, misty, autumny flying kiss to all,

The Cyniqueen

I dipped my heart in sunshine

Via Google Image Search

• I will be in Germany next month at this time soon (ifeverythinggoeswellwiththevisabutIhavefaithanditwill).
• Packing is hard.
• Wrapping up your life in a city (well, country) is harder still.
• Giving away old clothes which are ill-fitting and worn; and to which memories cling like musty smells, is tragic.
• I will miss Indian English Television. And knowing about the latest hindi movies and songs. And Tata Sky.
• And my night lamp in my room in Goa that I love so much (but I will buy another one at Ikea the first chance I get).
• I just discovered the best waterproof curling Mascara ev-er. The downside? I can't seem to find any more bottles. Talk about disappointing discontinuation of much loved products (Which I did here that one time).
• I have had 2 doses of local anaesthesia injected into my jaw in the last two days. A routine dental check-up has turned into one continual hell-session, with me needing to visit every day so as to be done with all root canal-ing and wisdom tooth extracting (uh huh) in time before I leave. Thankfully, I have no dentist phobia, and I'm, somewhat immaturely, I must admit, immensely enjoying coming up with new dental double entendres (cavities being filled, dark places being poked and so on). I share them only with myself though, not with the dentist. Obviously.

In other news, I might be cat-sitting for a friend for 3 whole weeks in December and the prospect makes me tizzy with excitement. Two. Cute. Fat. CATS. You guys! :D

The Cyniqueen

Eff this

via Google Image Search

• Eff being in a great hurry, trying dress quickly and wearing your top inside out.
• Eff sitting at home all day, doing application work.
• Eff paperwork. Eff it to the deep bowels of hell, where Satan and his minions will proceed to use it as second-hand toilet paper.
• Eff having to sit at the laptop for hours on the end and getting an aching finger-joint for your troubles.
• Eff feeling lonely despite all my alter-egos (Am I joking? Nnnalmost).
• Eff rolls of fat and the power they have to plunge one into depression.
• Eff being alone in the house all the time.
• Eff this heaving, circling, wrecking, smashing, screeching tornado inside my head.
• Eff eff eff eff eff eff.

Venting is overrated. But tomorrow is a new day.

I-can't-hear-you-over-the-noise-in-my-head,

The Cyniqueen

P.S - The 'nnalmost' thing is from Arundhati Roy's The God of Small Things when Rahel is trying to deny having seen Velutha even though she actually has. How many nnalmost moments do you have? I have millions, mostly when in conversation with myself.

"Just like that", she said randomly. And went on smoking her Cuban cigar.

Things on my mind:

1. You never really know for sure. About anything/anyone.
2. What will I do when I can't talk to my mom everyday over the phone when I'm far, far away? :-/
3. The Catcher in The Rye, as of page 50, is superb. Not at all the kind of stuffy narrative I thought it might be.
4. I am spatially challenged (as far as making space for things in my room is concerned).
5. I miss having room-mates (who stick by you no matter what and comfort you on sad days and willingly provide comic relief during exams).
6. Country music awakens something in me that no other music does (Hmm...except Jazz, perhaps).
7. I don't fit into about a thousand of my old college clothes. That, and a combination of Van Gogh, Rubens and Trinny and Susannah prompted a quirky poem about women's body image (at least I think it's quirky). May be I'll post it later. May. Be.
8. I really really really really miss having a pet, especially since our last cat, the alien-looking Baldy died last year. 
9. I love playing the C, G, D, A minor notes on my guitar in succession. They're like best friends who never fight.
10. I'm sort of kind of little bit may be starting to get closer to kids. No I'm not. Yes I am. No. Yes. May be. May. Be.

 Ever-ly faithful, never-ly flaky (almost),

The Cyniqueen.

P.S - Don't ask me about the title. It was the first thing that popped into my head.

Dum dee dum

Because sometimes, only Van Gogh can capture how you're feeling.

Some of the things I will do when I send out my last university application:

1. A happy, crazed, I-never-want-to-look-at-another-university-website-in-official-German dance
2. SLEEP
3. Wake up every morning and remind myself that the ordeal of sifting through the 181 universities list is over forever and I don't have to do application work today.
4. Revive social life some what.
5. Read Bridget Jones' Diary again and laugh and ruminate.
6. Not think about anything document related, official language related, list-related at least for a day (because unfortunately, moving to a foreign country entails non application-related paperwork too).
7. Go to the Salon. Get a haircut. Get a hair spa thing.

The Cyniqueen

P.S- Pictures via Google Image Search

Who's to say

Glittering evening sunshine

 Fading friendships

When it's raining and the sun comes out

 Making a book of recipes

Listening to Gloomy Sunday and not feeling gloomy at all

Feeling strong enough not to need someone  

Tender, teeming green after the first week of rain 

Missing your grandparents 

The taste of home food 

Wanting to read 5 books all at once

 Resisting chocolate

Laughing hard at 3 in the morning 

Watching once-hazy plans slowly take shape

Feeling happy for no reason

  Berlin on the horizon, here in Goa

Dusty fingerprints on forgotten memories

  Cynicism providing the cushion to the (big and small) blows of life

 Re-reading your favourite books

Missing having a cat

Reviving love

Stubby fingers

Old, soft, worn clothes, which, when you wear them, is like sleeping in a hug

Sleep tight y'all.

 
The Cyniqueen

I am completely calm and controlled....(not)

On Tuesday - The mother of all German exams.

Surreally sensitive to the heat (evidently) - my skin

Overcast - Pune at the moment

I am not going to freak out, I am not going to freak out, I am not going to freak out. The exam is in Delhi, where I must go. Which is what makes everything...grander. And puts more pressure on me. Oooh, though. May be will get to do some shopping. Not that I particularly love to shop, but still. It's Delhi.

I have to go describe graphs in German now. Any luck or prayers you send my way will be most humbly accepted and most greedily ingested (by mind, naturally, not body). 

Yours nervously,

The Cyniqueen.

Here without you

Symbolic representation of my mind. [via Google Image Search]

Dear Blogger, 

I miss you.

Dear fellow bloggers whose blogs I read and love and comment on,

I miss you too (but guilty pleasures have a way of getting fulfilled).

Dear TestDaF exam which takes place on 12th April,

I want to crack you, but you're somewhat intimidating. You are the reason for my rear being stuck to this chair for hours on the end. You are the last German-related hurdle and you, my last exam (Hopefully in the first attempt).

Dear aimless internet-surfing,

You are the only thing that makes me feel entertained and useless at the same time(after 2 hours of mindless surfing and Wiki reading). But I miss you. The Massive Surfing of  31.03.2011 (as it shall be known from now on) about World war II after watching bits of Der Untergang (again) shall be our little secret.

Dear link-hopping on German university websites which I need to do till I finish my applications,

I haven't taken warmly to you (since you made me stop my much loved mindless surfing) and it is quite unlikely that I will ever miss you. Quite.

Note: These University websites have me caught in a web of links so tight and intricate, I can't breathe. Did you know you could get lost on the internet and roam in circles and get very scared you'll never be able to find your way back to your homepage again? I feel like that when I go through these links. So to reiterate, I will not be missing this particular activity.

Dear afternoon naps,

No, you aren't good for me, but we both know how much you mean to me. And now that I must study every chance I get (as relaxing as that is), I have to let you go. For a while, anyway. But we shall meet again, okay? Soon.

Dear Goan-raw-mango-concoction-which-we-made-in-pune-which-sits-on-the-dining-table-as-we-speak-and-which-makes-me-drool-just-thinking-about-it,

*drools*

Dear social life,

I mourn your death every moment of everyday. I will meet you in your new, reincarnated life in Germany, I will.

Dear English books, Vogue and Cosmo,

Hang in there. I'm getting to you very soon. Also, I miss you.

Dear Goa, dear home, dear air conditioner, dear fish, dear Tata Sky, dear backyard, dear peace,

Simply put, take me in your arms and let me live with you forever*.

*Conditions Apply

Dear Juno, my lovely guitar,

You are my weak-spot, but I haven't played you all year. All year! I'm so sorry, my precious, and I miss you.

Dear empty-wall-in-my-study-room,

It's weird not having you around. Instead, the wall is now a disorderly wall-of-post-its bearing Redemittel, Synonyme and other study stuff in general.

Dear Solitaire on my laptop, my sole sweet source of pleasure,

Don't ever leave me okay? You're all I have. You and my colourful stationary. And the new Rubik's cube, which is more fun to scramble expertly than try to solve uselessly .

Dear feeling of Nothing-On-My-Mind, 

I barely remember you. Your brethren Falling-Asleep-Quickly-And-Thoughtlessly and Mr.Switch-Off (as in switch off all your worries and be carefree, also called my Goan state of mind) have become vague memories too. Come back soon, won't you? Missing doesn't begin to cover what I feel for you.

Dear Germany, dear Berlin, dear people who made Germany magical for me,

Guess who I miss most?

Yours sincerely,

The Cyniqueen.

Weird and lovely things

 Is it weird...

• that I've been dreaming about my grandparents' place all week (which I never do)?
• that I see signs of Berlin everywhere I look? Like at the institute yesterday, where they were giving away these newsletters with 'BERLIN' written in big bold letters on them? And not to mention, the tablets I take just happen to be manufactured in Berlin?
• that even though I'm exhausted when I go to bed, it takes me hours to fall asleep?
• that the very clamorous harmonic chirping of the sparrow family who seems to have set up camp above the parapet of the window near my bed is disturbing? And referring exclusively to the excessive bird calls, can spring (well, whatever watered down version we have here) get too springy for its own good?

Gulmohar. [Photo via Google Image Search]

And isn't it lovely...

• that there are exquisite summer flowers all along the roads? Like the Gulmohar trees (Delonix regia in English) with flowers in bright yellow and orange and soothing lavender?
• that my sister and I are going home tomorrow? :D
• that tea can lift up your spirits, bring a smile to your face, relax and energise you all at once?
• that I really really think that Berlin is happening this year?

More, later.

The Cyniqueen

Oh me oh my...

From the Barista window at MG Road, Pune. I know it's not the best photo, but there's something about its imperfection I like.

I so wanted to write one last post for 2010, but I was blissfully busy with a buzz only December can bring (and I don't mean the alcoholic kind). It was mostly spending time with everyone I love and bumming at Sernabatim and Benaulim and relaxing at home.

And look - it's already almost the end of Jan...where did it disappear, I ask you? The answer pleases and perplexes me all at the same time. German class has begun again, probably the last of the courses. I'm writing to German universities, reading course descriptions, looking for internships and freelance work all at the same time - I mean, it's not the most ambitious of schedules, but believe me, it will get there. I don't have a new year's resolution as such, but I do see myself working hard this year and I think it will be a relatively fruitful one. It better.

Nice things about the year so far:

• The cool weather (which, for a brief period of two weeks, was so cold that I actually got to wear my H & M Jacket that I bought in Berlin!). It has started getting warmer though, and absolutely torturous visions of a relentless summer swim before my eyes - for instance, last year, my sister and I tried littering the floor with ice cubes in a vain attempt to make the room cooler. *shudders* (though not because of the cold. Heh).
• Mom staying here for a few days.
• Chino, the cat, who prances around the place I stay and lets you pick him up and is nice and well fed.

Not so nice things:

• Acne, with its supernatural ability to rise above all medical treatment, stays stubbornly anchored to my face. I tell myself my time will come, when I can look in the mirror and not flinch. But when, dammit, when?
• Punctures in the back tyre of my bike and something about ball bearings in rear tyre, which is going to cost me a little more than I'd like. Remember when the ballcock was broken? Strange coincidence, no?
• Missing gym because of clashing timings with my class. Must work this out.

Oh, and I've missed blogging so very much.

Bis später, you guys. Mmmuah!

The Cyniqueen

Most embarrassing moment yet (tried to express in the most dignified way possible)

The time - September 2010

The place - Hanover, Germany

 (from the movie Chicago)

"Look, honey,
you want some advice?
Here it is.
Direct from me to you ."

• Do not mix drinks. Ever.  
• Note : Things like wine, 'peppermint liqueur' shots and Sekt (German sparkling white wine which tastes very mmm...like the Italian Prosecco ) - though they sound harmless, aren't. They will inebriate you. Oh, and just because it's fancily called 'liqueur' does not mean that it still isn't 'liquor'.

Bad picture, but this is the brand of Sekt I had in Germany. It means Red Riding Hood :)

• Do not run on a drunk stomach (even at 3:30 in the morning, even if it means missing the last train to your guest's home. Just don't).
• Do not think you can 'close your mouth shut tight and hold it in till you find a loo' if you have to upchuck.
• After you've learnt your lesson, do run to the dry cleaner's as quickly as you can.
• Don't think about it every night for the next 3 months and feel very very horrified, because as desperately as you want to, you cannot take it back. You must stew in the mortification of it for as long as you live. Or until you do something even more embarrassing (of which, unfortunately, the chances seem high) - either way, it will be one of the images that will flash before your embarrassed eyes in those dying moments. 

Needless to say, I am going to be neurotically cautious the next time there is a bottle of peppermint liqueur anywhere near me. Oh, the shame.

***

And since misery loves company

Why don't you accompany

The Cyniqueen in her quest

to find the very best

embarrassing moment of all?

Do you have the gall

to put fingers to keyboard?

Let it act like a sword

Slay the cringe-inducing memory away

Write a post on the same theme, I say.

Would you?

The Cyniqueen

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Just some randomness

At a supermarket in Rotterdam. Look at the colours :)

Things I bought today:

• One birthday card (not for myself because the birthday is over. And because I'm not that person. Yet).
• One coconut
• Cosmopolitan and Better Photography (still don't have that DSLR, in case you're wondering. When I have one, believe me, you'll know. Mars and Pluto and Jupiter will know too).
• A flower garland

Things I heard:

• Very boring 90's hindi music (the absolutely unheard of kind that plays in buses on long journeys).
• Horse hooves - rhythmic, pure, trotting, clipped  (through the window of my living room. Love that sound. Such sensory delight).
• A drunk singing loudly passing by the house (also heard through the window of my living room. I do need to start looking for a new place).

Today wasn't special. Nothing fluttered (least of all hope), nothing changed. 

I should be getting ready for bed right now. I should be worrying about universities right now. I should be rejoicing that internet's back after a day. Oh, and I should be clearing up the table.

But I want to be in bed with a book. I want to be in Berlin, with the cold, and the snow and I want to miss Goa from there. I want a magic wand to clean up my life. I want that magic wand to be ME.

How's that for vague?

Goodnight folks

The Cyniqueen

Birthdays and awesomeness

Hi and Hallöchen!

Ist er nicht unglaublich süß? / Is he not unbelievably cute?

This, my lovelies, is what my friend Kivi gifted me on my birthday. I want to hug him all the time. Now I'm not really the stuffed-toy kind of girl, but look how cute! I've never owned such a big one. Oh wait, how rude of me. Readers, this is Clouseau. You see, I thought his name should end with an /əʊ/ (or 'oh') sound, and my friend suggested Clouseau, which is a mouthful, but I think it should stay. And may be another nickname for when I'm feeling especially affectionate.

And those of you who spotted that bottle of perfume in his lap - that is Hugo XX - and it makes me want to lie in a meadow with flower petals falling on me and dappled sunlight all around. It was a gift from my lovely sister.

And because I am the mother of telling things in a nutshell (Heh, quite the contrary actually, but anyway) here is what I did on my birthday. And also because I am the mother hen of all things listed, here it is in bullet form:

• Biryani at Blue Nile with my sister and Kivi. Which was so deliciously yum. And this Ice vanilla shake thing. Which I never have for fear of how dazzlingly indulgent it looks. And it was. Mmmm.
• A very soothing nap at my grandmother's house. Which some people might think was a waste of time, but there's something about sleeping in that house which makes you feel all refreshed and happy.
• Sabudana vada, which no one can make better than my grandmother. And no, I cannot possibly explain to you what that is, but may be this recipe can and this picture.
• Oh, I forgot to say - lots of shopping at Fabindia - I love my new Kurtas and Kurtis. 
• Dinner at home with Unmesh and Anand and my sister, playing Taboo and talking. Unmesh had to leave early (Grrr) but we had fun anyway. And oh, he totally missed dessert, which by the way, Unmesh? Was awesome.

All in all, I had expected nothing and so everything nice was a bonus in itself. If you dread birthdays like I do, believe me, this is the way to go.

And if you were having a bad day, this will cheer you up. So the landlord's thirty-something son calls out to me and says, "Hey, the ballcock is broken, the ballcock is broken."

*moment of respectful silence for me because I didn't burst out laughing in his face like an effing Hyena*

I go like "Umm........*trying hard to block a million eye-blazing visions away*...what?"
 
Him: Yeah, so the ballcock? Doesn't work...blahblahblah

So a ballcock, which looks something like this *moment of raucous, shameless, indulgent laughter*, has something to do with water tanks. But that's not important part, is it? No, it is not. I'm still giggling a little.

Cause of extreme happiness and a lot of smiling when I switch on the laptop every morning - more blogging activity. Thanks to Kim K, a whole new world of (German) blogging has opened itself up to me.

I have to get going now. But I heart you all very much :)

The Cyniqueen