Dum dee dum

Because sometimes, only Van Gogh can capture how you're feeling.

Some of the things I will do when I send out my last university application:

1. A happy, crazed, I-never-want-to-look-at-another-university-website-in-official-German dance
2. SLEEP
3. Wake up every morning and remind myself that the ordeal of sifting through the 181 universities list is over forever and I don't have to do application work today.
4. Revive social life some what.
5. Read Bridget Jones' Diary again and laugh and ruminate.
6. Not think about anything document related, official language related, list-related at least for a day (because unfortunately, moving to a foreign country entails non application-related paperwork too).
7. Go to the Salon. Get a haircut. Get a hair spa thing.

The Cyniqueen

P.S- Pictures via Google Image Search

Someday, baby

Happiness is a state of mind. Cliché? Yes. Untrue? No.

I'm so happy right now. Even though my room is a mess of clothes roughly classified into 'Clothes that fit' and 'Clothes that will fit again soon'. Listening to Jack Johnson, thinking about the beginning of the end of acne (according to my doc), thinking about a similar, more panicked scene 10 months 1 day ago; and a similar scene which will come to pass in a couple of months from now. 
Packing. Clothes everywhere, strewn plastic wrappers of knick knacks freshly packed in a suitcase bigger than me, worrying about being on time, about good weather when I land, about nothing breaking inside, about perishable food not getting spoilt. 
Looking forward to Brötchen on the plane (about which I blogged that one time), looking forward to Germany. To all that being there means to me.

A difficult goodbye, a familiar buzz, lots of green tea over 2 flights and then, the landing. And then? A new life.

Scary? Of course.

Exciting? Hell, yeah.

The Cyniqueen

Who's to say

Glittering evening sunshine

 Fading friendships

When it's raining and the sun comes out

 Making a book of recipes

Listening to Gloomy Sunday and not feeling gloomy at all

Feeling strong enough not to need someone  

Tender, teeming green after the first week of rain 

Missing your grandparents 

The taste of home food 

Wanting to read 5 books all at once

 Resisting chocolate

Laughing hard at 3 in the morning 

Watching once-hazy plans slowly take shape

Feeling happy for no reason

  Berlin on the horizon, here in Goa

Dusty fingerprints on forgotten memories

  Cynicism providing the cushion to the (big and small) blows of life

 Re-reading your favourite books

Missing having a cat

Reviving love

Stubby fingers

Old, soft, worn clothes, which, when you wear them, is like sleeping in a hug

Sleep tight y'all.

 
The Cyniqueen

Of this and that

A representation of me scaling new heights (with an ever so slightly more...um...voluptuous body. And not Caucasian).

News: I cleared the TestDaF exam (remember that dreaded German exam I went to Delhi for? Which prompted this slightly hysterical post?)...with a full score! It was a moment of such pure bliss (and also some jumping all over my room).

Also, I'm done with my internship, which I will miss.

And, here's the cherry on the cake (ish) - concrete Germany plans are happening again! I can't tell you much at this point (because I don't know myself), but I will soon. Know and tell.

What else? Goan rains, driving the car, German, documents, acne (again), a new book called Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, a lot of mangoes (not so much since the monsoons started, but before that, two a day. Hey, calories schmalories, okay? I figure I'm going to be missing a lot of Indian Summers from now on).

And now, I must go.

Love and health and happiness and luck,

The Cyniqueen

P.S - Image via Google Image Search
P.P.S. - Here's one of my favourite songs, for which you can find the lyrics here. Enjoy :)

Nothing gets me feeling high like feeling a little low

A scene from Waiting for Godot [via Google Images]. Absurdism gets me every bloody time.

Too many things in life are overrated. Is it really worth it, all the things we keep fighting for, day in and day in and day in? 

Job, I could lose in a day. Money too. A degree is infinitesimal at the end of it all. Take it from someone who could have been doing a proper moderately well-earning job (already having completed a degree and all), but is instead doing an internship. Not to say that it's awful. Not to say that it isn't fancy. Not to say that I would rather not have it, but that's how it is.

What's left, then, at the end of a day? Love, I guess you'd say. 

But this is bad, the place I'm at - Being Cynical. Why then, does it feel familiar - like an old house I've come back to after many years? Things are a little dusty here, a little rusty there. And there are many bones lying around.

But it's a home I once lived in, a home that mattered.

I left it eventually. Stopped being cynical, more or less. But I'm always afraid a bubble will burst. And the worst bit is, sometimes there isn't even a bubble. Alles scheint hoffnungslos zu sein*. And I find that I can't even rest on cynicism, because I left it, and then it left me. Call it sour grapes, call it escape, call it cowardice. But it was always there for me when other things weren't, wasn't it?

I know I'm not making much sense and I'm going to stop now. It's just that I wonder sometimes, what it's all for. I want this and that and that. Say I get it. What then?

Yours pensively,

The Cyniqueen

*Everything seems hopeless.

Plip-plop

There's no water in the house
And in my mind, a tap's leaking

Does that make sense? Guess not. But there really isn't any running water in the house since morning. Urgh. So disgusting I feel in this sticky heat. But we had fish curry rice again for lunch today and then we had alsaandyachi bhaji yesterday and today (which is sort of like Rajma, but you only get  it in Goa) and life was merry again.

My internship's going pretty well and I've got a couple of bylines in the paper too. And also, I have the best morning commute in the world. The road from Margao to where I need to go is lined with coconut trees and fields and green and ponds and rivers and glimpses of the ocean. Whenever I get the window seat, I get no reading done whatsoever (except on Saturday, when I was so exhausted while coming back from work that I feel asleep with my face against the window, doing that involuntary, terribly undignified head bobbing, falling asleep thing I used to laugh at fellow-commuters for).

I miss my sister, who is still in Pune, very, very much. I wish she was here too. It's nice to be home, have my folks around, have the comforts of air conditioning and a soft bed. A little annoying what with the no water and all, but still. I get to be home home. In my birth and growing-up place ^_^

And and and I have a lot of work still, but I can't get my mind to be still. It's not horrible like the pre-German-test tension and restlessness that was pouring out of my ears, but simply the tired kind. I have to peel myself off the couch after I get back from work and I'm done with dinner. And then work again. But we must what we must, no? I gently placed my Berlin magnet above a photo frame in my room because there's no magnety surface it'll stick to. I need to keep reminding myself of the bigger (and ahem, thinner) picture. Next stop, fitness.

Until later.

The Cyniqueen

 

Breathe

Ahwoohoo! The dreaded exam is finally over and done with. For now, anyway. Results are out at the end of the month. Until then, I wait, hope and work. And fear. Life throws a lot of things at you. And some are wonderful, but scary. But a good kind of scary, you know?


I don't have much else to report except for the sticky heat of Goa and the strangely disorienting comfort of home. Also, beautiful, warm, summery rays of sunlight slant into my room in the evening, little glittering golden beams. I can't help but love the orange glow it brings to my room. Peace visits my bedroom every evening, no exceptions. Isn't Nature wonderful?

The above paragraph was written weeks ago, after I was in Goa following my big German exam. Since then, I've made a short (hectic) trip to Pune, where I proceeded to attempt the frightful task of moving almost 4 years worth of stuff back to Goa along with managing university work like transcripts and recommendation letters. My room in Goa is now covered with suitcases and clothes upon clothes, as if I'm a guest in my own home. But but but, the main reason I came back here is for an internship I'm doing in Panjim, which I'm quite pleased about. Life lessons (such as the iron-smelling, sweat-mingling, elbow-punching, change-counting joys of learning to travel by the local transport) are happening. 


I miss you and you and you. I shall post again soon, I hope.


Love and sunshine,


The Cyniqueen


Pssst....reading this very interesting book called Eat That Frog by Brian Tracey about time management, which I don't normally do (both reading about time management and sadly, time management itself). Point is, try to give it a read if you can. Thanks to G for the tip (read: almost devotion-like praise of the book following by continual prodding to go read it). :D