Thursday, May 19, 2011

Nothing gets me feeling high like feeling a little low

A scene from Waiting for Godot [via Google Images]. Absurdism gets me every bloody time.

Too many things in life are overrated. Is it really worth it, all the things we keep fighting for, day in and day in and day in? 

Job, I could lose in a day. Money too. A degree is infinitesimal at the end of it all. Take it from someone who could have been doing a proper moderately well-earning job (already having completed a degree and all), but is instead doing an internship. Not to say that it's awful. Not to say that it isn't fancy. Not to say that I would rather not have it, but that's how it is.

What's left, then, at the end of a day? Love, I guess you'd say. 

But this is bad, the place I'm at - Being Cynical. Why then, does it feel familiar - like an old house I've come back to after many years? Things are a little dusty here, a little rusty there. And there are many bones lying around.
But it's a home I once lived in, a home that mattered.

I left it eventually. Stopped being cynical, more or less. But I'm always afraid a bubble will burst. And the worst bit is, sometimes there isn't even a bubble. Alles scheint hoffnungslos zu sein*. And I find that I can't even rest on cynicism, because I left it, and then it left me. Call it sour grapes, call it escape, call it cowardice. But it was always there for me when other things weren't, wasn't it?

I know I'm not making much sense and I'm going to stop now. It's just that I wonder sometimes, what it's all for. I want this and that and that. Say I get it. What then?

Yours pensively,

The Cyniqueen

*Everything seems hopeless.

Monday, May 16, 2011


There's no water in the house
And in my mind, a tap's leaking

Does that make sense? Guess not. But there really isn't any running water in the house since morning. Urgh. So disgusting I feel in this sticky heat. But we had fish curry rice again for lunch today and then we had alsaandyachi bhaji yesterday and today (which is sort of like Rajma, but you only get  it in Goa) and life was merry again.

My internship's going pretty well and I've got a couple of bylines in the paper too. And also, I have the best morning commute in the world. The road from Margao to where I need to go is lined with coconut trees and fields and green and ponds and rivers and glimpses of the ocean. Whenever I get the window seat, I get no reading done whatsoever (except on Saturday, when I was so exhausted while coming back from work that I feel asleep with my face against the window, doing that involuntary, terribly undignified head bobbing, falling asleep thing I used to laugh at fellow-commuters for).

I miss my sister, who is still in Pune, very, very much. I wish she was here too. It's nice to be home, have my folks around, have the comforts of air conditioning and a soft bed. A little annoying what with the no water and all, but still. I get to be home home. In my birth and growing-up place ^_^

And and and I have a lot of work still, but I can't get my mind to be still. It's not horrible like the pre-German-test tension and restlessness that was pouring out of my ears, but simply the tired kind. I have to peel myself off the couch after I get back from work and I'm done with dinner. And then work again. But we must what we must, no? I gently placed my Berlin magnet above a photo frame in my room because there's no magnety surface it'll stick to. I need to keep reminding myself of the bigger (and ahem, thinner) picture. Next stop, fitness.

Until later.

The Cyniqueen


Saturday, May 7, 2011


Ahwoohoo! The dreaded exam is finally over and done with. For now, anyway. Results are out at the end of the month. Until then, I wait, hope and work. And fear. Life throws a lot of things at you. And some are wonderful, but scary. But a good kind of scary, you know?

I don't have much else to report except for the sticky heat of Goa and the strangely disorienting comfort of home. Also, beautiful, warm, summery rays of sunlight slant into my room in the evening, little glittering golden beams. I can't help but love the orange glow it brings to my room. Peace visits my bedroom every evening, no exceptions. Isn't Nature wonderful?

The above paragraph was written weeks ago, after I was in Goa following my big German exam. Since then, I've made a short (hectic) trip to Pune, where I proceeded to attempt the frightful task of moving almost 4 years worth of stuff back to Goa along with managing university work like transcripts and recommendation letters. My room in Goa is now covered with suitcases and clothes upon clothes, as if I'm a guest in my own home. But but but, the main reason I came back here is for an internship I'm doing in Panjim, which I'm quite pleased about. Life lessons (such as the iron-smelling, sweat-mingling, elbow-punching, change-counting joys of learning to travel by the local transport) are happening. 

I miss you and you and you. I shall post again soon, I hope.

Love and sunshine,

The Cyniqueen

Pssst....reading this very interesting book called Eat That Frog by Brian Tracey about time management, which I don't normally do (both reading about time management and sadly, time management itself). Point is, try to give it a read if you can. Thanks to G for the tip (read: almost devotion-like praise of the book following by continual prodding to go read it). :D